do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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