please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
