sarcasm needs its own font
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
