did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
