Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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