put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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