so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Everyone says I win the strip club
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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