she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
