im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
