im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
