Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
