You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
