What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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