Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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