God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
