do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
