If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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