If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
