she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize