guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
