dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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