we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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