Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
