I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
