First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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