Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
