it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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