So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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