So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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