So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
