Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
