i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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