Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(218): View more from Minnesota

just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead

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(925): View more from California

dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup

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