Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
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