there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
