wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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