last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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