For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
