My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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