Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
