she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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