I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
