my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
