Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
