I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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