Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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