Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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