his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
