he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
