My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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