I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
they're like a gay fantastic four
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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