mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
