he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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