guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
