Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
