how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
