so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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