So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
