my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize