I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
