i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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