i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
