he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
