You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
