We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
