i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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