scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
im on a boat
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