I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
